Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Our baby was born on Jan 1. My wife went through hell and high-water having a natural birth. Tried to do it all at home but there was a little "glitch" in the plans.

Here's the thing about glitches. Glitches are only cool when you're not already scared shitless; and even then it's a bit of a stretch to to say they're "cool". Tolerable, a big-ass nuisance, not life-threatening, these are all ok terms, "cool" definitely not.

For those of you sans baby or labour-smarts, labour is the most insane thing a man will never have to go through. NEVER will you feel more useless then when your wife/girlfriend/whatever is experiencing the most excruciating pain known to humans and there is absolutely nothing you can do. All you can say or do is support your wife. Do EVERYTHING she asks of you. Re-assure her that she's doing well. Get the fuck out of the way when she doesn't want you there. Do anything she says. That's it. You're her bitch. Deal with it.

Back to the glitch!

When contractions occur, particularly in the "pushing stage" (please refer to your texts for the stages of labour), the baby's heart rate drops. There is a range of "normal" that midwives and doctors like to see it stick to. If it deviates from that, all hell breaks loose.

When you're already feeling like a useless tit and don't think you're supporting your wife all that well and EMS workers come in to get her to the hospital quickly and you have no idea what's going on and you're trying to remain supportive, positive, and not shit your pants, nothing feels like a "glitch".

The short of it is that baby is fine. We got to the hospital and heart rate immediately went into the "normal" range, we laughed, chuckled, my wife told me "we're never doing this again", and now I've got a cute baby that does terrible things to diapers (more on this later).

3:30 am on the 31st early labour started.
9:49 on the 1st baby was born.


  1. I love your description of this event and I'm so glad everything worked out in the end. You and Amy will make wonderful parents, little Eve is so lucky! She's also fortunate to have one of her first pictures taken be of her in a tiny Smiths t-shirt. Amazing.

  2. birth stories are the best, even with the "glitches."

    Glad you got through it safely and many many props to mom.